Ya Allah
pelihara hati ini
dari jatuh
pada kepalsuan serupa

Ya Allah
kurnia kebal hati

luka lama belum sembuh

mohon dengan sangat Ya Allah


I wanted to write my thesis today - 8 hours

took my breakfast and bus to uni.
brought myself arnotts choc mud biscuits, banana muffins, water, mentos
promised myself a lunch treat at Knoodle.

Here I am at the library sitting in front of the PC.
I wrote 3 sentences - constant struggle
It's cold - the air-cond. right on my face
I hate it
Why should I feel cold in this summer!
I can't write - I am shivering
My sentences are suck - I hate myself.
I'm feeling sleepy & tired - I can't do it more.
I am useless

Got up from my chair
Took my book and went into the Quiet-Study Area
I can't write - I better read
Theories for Chapter 2
Here is nicer - it is not too cold
But I must get back to that cold PC
Read 6 small pages
I am bored again
How to incorporate these into my thesis
They are not connected - as I see now
I'm feeling sleepy & tired - I can't do it more.

How if I sleep for 5 minutes
No, I can't
My mind wanders around
I must be writing by now
What the girl next to me would say about me?
I hate myself (again)

I got a call
Its Saif from Sydney wishing me Happy Birthday for the second time
I am walking out of library
Finish talking
Went straight to Uni Bookshop
"May I have a look at that Polar Fleece S size please"
Put it on and looked at the mirror - Great
Now I have a good reason to grab this AUD49.95 UniSA sweater
that I wanted for so long
(though it also means I can't pay my electricity bill today)

I will do anything I could
Whatever it takes
So that I can write

And now I am here again
Heat and comfy in my new Polar Fleece

.....Writing my blog :)

a MUSTN'T go place

it proves to be a pool
for the SICK
why risk yourself in there?

warning sign

please girl
take those RED signs on board
you know initially that they are 'questionable' bunch of guys
run quick - for your life

happy birthday myself

January 19th (Adelaide, Australia)

Is always be the day I am waiting for
The day to see who care

Waking up in the morning and counting my blessing of warm wishes:

Fareen's marathon texts,Monica & 30+ Phd students attending Research Writing Class at Mawson Lakes (plus a surprise muddy cake); Bae'm, Mus'ab (via phone), Meena (the first text received on the 19th) Kak Ton, Kak Yana (nightgown), Kak Lin (bakeware), En Anuar (card & letter), Makcik, Kak Ina (via email), Ina, Shams & Jeanne (via Facebook); Nad, Aishah, Kak Ngah, Jiha, Haizir, Alin (card via blog), Loraine, Saif (via YM call), and Monica* paid a nice visit at nite.

Thats all for the day - I am still waiting for some others whom I know would be regret to miss this 19th.

* Happy birthday to a gorgeous sensational and lovely young girl*

menjadi manusia baik

mungkin itu satu yang manusiawi

its proven otherwise

lucky me
it does not take forever
to prove otherwise
it comes together
with an indicator
that he may be just another inferior freak
with a different name

not again...

…..And here it comes again.

When you think you start to like someone and open your heart to him, he suddenly takes on your role – playing hard to get and giving you “I’m busy with my work today and will only talk later, sorry dear” messages; one occasion after another.

And then you start to wonder – again.

* If you have made a wrong decision after a long consideration of every possible avenue that he is definitely into you and would not let you down and what more hurting you.

But that is exactly what he is now doing – hurting you.

And then immediately your systematic negative automatic thoughts run over places –

* Why you let yourself vulnerable and then hurt by a person that you have just thought of giving a little chance to be placed in your heart?

* Why the same foolish mistake?

And your negative thoughts wander further:

* That you are not good enough (and he only figures it out when you are about to say ya… I may consider you);

* That you are not that attractive anymore soon you give a sign that he may be accepted;

* That you are no longer interesting to be pursed;

* That you start to look needy;

* That suddenly he is not that into you!

And despite your desperate want to tell yourself that it is him…

You always come to an unconstructive conclusion that it could be you (until proven otherwise … or until a time come when you manage to get over him …)

…This is sucked!

* Truth is – you know nothing than playing hard to get; when the game turns around; you have a role no longer and eventually loose…

kerana hidup kadang-kadang pahit

bolehkah awak berjanji?
memberi senyum pada setiap resah
membuang airmata dengan percaya esok langit kembali cerah
memberi yakin bahawa saya akan baik-baik saja ... seperti selalu
membalas semua keliru dan rasa tidak puas - dengan jawapan yang saya mahu
sentiasa ada bila saya tak punya

kerana saya berjanji ... tidak meminta lagi

feeling rejected

could be the lowest feeling ever...