Pelajaran kecil dari si kecil

Pagi ini saya mengotakan janji untuk bertemu adik Izar. Izar adik yang istimewa. Dia telah selesai rawatan AML setahun lalu, tapi masih berkampung di 6U - hampir 10 bulan. Meski tamat rawatan, terdapat jangkitan kuman dalam hati yang tidak membenar adik ini pulang, walau untuk beraya. Bosan, kecewa, marah itu lah perasaan adik berusia 12 tahun yang bercita-cita menjadi polis ini.

Izar pesakit pilihan. Jarang sekali menunjuk lagak dan emosi sukar bila bersama saya. Selalu saja responsif dan bekerjasama. Pesakit mudah.

Hakikatnya, rupanya saya melihat separuh Izar. Melalui nota rawatan hospital, saya mengetahui Izar amat payah dipujuk. Kadang-kadang menangis dan mengamuk bila diberi rawatan, terutama suntikan. Terkini, Izar manolak untuk dibuat suntikan kekal, supaya mudah diberi ubat melalui 'line' suntikan. Lalu seorang jururawat meminta saya 'membuat kaunseling' tentang masalah itu.

Jadi pagi ini, pertemuan saya bermisi. Saya bermula dangan mencari maklumat samada Izar tahu mengapa 'line' diperlukan dan apa yang betul-betul menghalang dia dari mendapatkannya. Reaksi Izar sangat tidak menyenangkan, namun dia cuba juga melayan soalan saya. Mungkin terlampau benar gesaan saya, tiba-tiba Izar menangis sambil menutup mukanya dengan tangan. Terkejut. Tangisannya dapat saya baca kerana kecewa dan marah digesa begitu, bercampur malu kerana pertama kali menangis mungkin dihadapan saya.

Lalu saya berhenti - mungkin hati saya terlalu jauh dengan rasa sebenar adik ini.

"Apa nama sekolah Izar, mari kita google dalam internet".....

From the other part of him

Sunday, October 25, 2009

azizah

To my dearest fiance, Azizah..

This is the girl, that i sold my soul to, that i would do anyhing to make her smile, for her heart never i break, for her trust never i breach..

This is the girl, with her heart that is so tender, give her service to other, in my eyes she is so splendour, great role she play in great love of our..

This is the girl, that never give me any headache, but cure for some of it, not because psychologyst she is, but her natural and i loving it.

This is the girl, that even if i may wanting a top model to be with, but i could never love someone else as much as with this girl i did, that reason alone wipe all my sinisters wish..

This is the girl, that i want to spend the rest of my life with, have a great family and a lot of kids, financially free and never-have-to-work-as-hard-as-before life it is..

Mencapai bahagia

Saya sering saja diminta bercakap sana-sini tentang cara menangani tekanan, mencapai bahagia. Lalu saya berkongsi sedikit ilmu dipinjamkan Allah - bercerita tentang mengenalpasti punca tekanan, kemudian langkah-langkah yang banyak untuk menghadapinya. Saya bercakap melalui teori jiwa kajian manusia. Jauh di sudut hati, saya sebenarnya percaya, bukanlah langkah-langkah itu jawapannya. Langkah-langkah itu sebaliknya adalah manifestasi usaha - hamba yang meminta rahmat Allah - agar diberi kembali ketenangan dan kebahagian yang hilang atau menipis.

Jawapan bahagia dan ketenangan hanya dari Allah. Diletak Allah ke dalam hati. Lalu hati dengan bantuan aqal menterjemah rasa - bahagia dan tenang bertolak dari rasa cukup, redha, dan syukur dengan apa yang diberi Allah.

Saya sebenarnya mencuba untuk menterjemah perasaan saya sekarang. Ini cubaan kedua. Dan saya belum dapat meluahkan dengan sempurna.

Belum lagi.

Rasa itu terlalu besar rupanya.

Sungguh

Sungguh
Saya kehabisan kata

Cuma rasa yang nyata
Hati memerah
Jantung berdegup getar
Bibir melayar senyum lebar

Lalu rasional saya meningkah
Alhamdulillah
Moga Allah mengatur ni'kmah ini dengan rahmah

Sungguh
Saya kehabisan kata

Dr Azizah

"Setiap hari bertanya kepada doktor disini, bila DA akan datang. Bila menelefon abangnya, asyik bercerita tentang kaunselor yang mempunyai nama sama dengan guru kelas kesayangannya. Cinta sangat dengan DA. Membilang hari, bila akan dapat berjumpa dengan DA lagi. Suka sangat dengan permainan DA. Tidak kisah katanya kalau murid DA tidak datang, asal DA dapat datang berjumpa dengannya. Selain doktor pakar Faisal, nama DA lah yang diingat. Doktor lain tidak ingat namanya, tidak betah juga berjumpa dan berbual. Bila lagi DA akan datang? Emaknya tidak pandai kaunseling....."

• Mengapalah sukar benar untuk aku menjenguk sekejap, bertanya khabar kanak-kanak yang hilang kaki sebelah dan sedang berperang pula dengan kanser tulang yang ganas?
• Ya Allah, bukakanlah hatiku menjadi belas dan ikhsan serta menunai tanggungjawab insani dengan lebih sempurna.
• Ya Allah, cekalkan lah semangatku menjadi perawat hati yang lebih baik.
• Anak-anak di wad 6U, maafkan Doktor yang serba kurang ini.

I seldom express my feeling towards to you.
Tonight I feel like telling you some of it.


Jawa :-)
Understanding
Naturally loving and lovable
Accountable
Intellectually competent
Dedicated in what he believes
Inspiring

19

I always like this number
I looked at my diary and noted these


19 January - Being 33
19 February - Giving a first lecture MMed (Pediatrics)
19 March - Preparing for Stress Management talk in Permai Inn Terengganu
19 April - A day after meeting my future mother-in-law in Kuala Selangor
19 May - Poster accepted for presentation in NCHMS 2009
19 June - Two days before flying to Vienna, Austria
19 July - A week after 'been asked' for a hand (dirisik)
19 August - Giving a first lecture to MMed (Psychiatry)
19 September = 29 Ramadhan 1430 4-days before being engaged
19 October - Screening for HIV (not reactive, Alhamdulillah)
Today is exactly 2 months before my wedding InsyaAllah


May the rest of my life is in Allah's Blessing.

Court anxiety

I was prepared for an exciting day but then the call(s) from that whatsoever law firm has ruined it. I am 'forced' to appear in court in 5 days and a sapina will be forcefully sent to me by tomorrow.

I am anxious - then become defensive. I was not prepared for a court case when I first made a report for this guy last couple of months. The assessment was superficial and I had never attempted to link the results to the current conditioning as the lawyer want to claim. The report is limited and far from being an unreliable evidence. Why on earth I expose my credibility - unprepared?

I am angry. I told the lawyer right from the beginning that I am not going to the court. Kuantan is far, and I am not committed for anything. I was bluffed and I am not interested at doing more than what I did. I am made responsible unwillingly and I hate it when people take advantages on me.

I am blessed Alhamdulillah. I have so many people around me who are happy to listen and give me a piece of their mind (and time). Whilst I feel there is a person out there who is trying to play fool on me, Allah gives me the LOVE from many others. I am thankful to Allah who gives me MJB, MAT, HO, HI, MJY, MSP. They all show a genuine concerned - and I know that come directly from a pure loving heart. Alhamdulillah.

Face this challenge - I will win over this anxiety, InsyaAllah.

Back home

I'm back to work. It is going to be fun and exciting.
The coming weeks will be fruitful - for me and others, insyaAllah.

I will be excited!

Emotional accounts

It was only when I read my Along's recent entry (after a long time) that I feel the need to write one in mine. I have postponed writing mine - a week after another - for a lame excuse of being 'busy'. Along's was touchy - narrating his memory with Allahyarham Yusuf Mamak - a friend of him whom I know nothing about. Despite that, I am teary - and I know it is because his writing is deep from his heart.

In deed, I have more than enough 'reasons' to write. In these few months, so many things happen around me - so much of emotions involved. Those will go just like that if I do not put an effort to process the feelings around it - at least in form of written words. Eventually, the emotions associated with the events - be it sweet or bitter - will just be forgotten as if they have never happened. What a waste!

Knowing what to write about does not necessarily mean knowing how to write it down. I realize that most of my emotions are still a private possession of mine. Being a psychologist for a year now still does not give me a privilege of being 'the open book' type of person. I am still 'over-conscious' of 'what this and that person would feel when he and she reads the writing'. I guess the uncertainty is reasonable to some extent since I do have a dream to open this blog to public sooner or later InsyaAllah.

Taking a minimal, calculated risk - as I always do - I decided to jot down the following - simply for my own future emotional references.

Alhamdulillah, within this few months, Allah blesses me with the following:

* A pleasant, smooth-sailing, warmth engagement party of mine on 22 September 2009/ 3 Syawal 1430. The best thing was having my big family gathered after a long time. I realized on that very day how much all of them love me all this while. To my dear family, thankyou for making me the happiest daughter, sister, auntie, and granny.


* I am now a fiancee' of a nice and kind guy whom I know no more than a year now. I feel and experience the Greatness of Allah's wills - Who decides and owns everything. I am so much blessed that we are doing well, and our family are receptive about having us together.


* I am indebted to my special sister's unconditional, infinite love to me. Despite struggling with her issues, she tries very hard to still be with me - as she always do. I hope one of our prayers will be soon responded by Allah.


* To rekindle my one and only friendship with Fareen on the 6th October 2009/ 17 Syawal 1430. I am blessed that Allah opens our heart during the meeting. I leave the rest to Allah.


Oh my... the list can be longer, but now I feel like to stop here, and that's exactly what I will do.